The Insane Adventures of Harry and Friends
by Evilgrinch
Summary: In Chapter 10- Back To the Future homage. Remus Lupin creates a time machine to go back and save Sirius' life. Following on from Chapter 9's elaborate Two Towers homage. PLEASE REVIEW!
1. Imprisoned by a ginger

HARRY POTTER AND THE MYSTERY OF RON'S ADOLESCENT OBSESSION  
  
Harry Potter sat in the Great Hall eating lunch.  
  
Not a spectacularly exciting event, but technically important in order for his blood sugar level to reach the correct highs to allow him to stay awake during Professor Binns lesson. The ever-exciting History of Magic had recently become so dull that even Binns himself was beginning to consider that it wasn't such a good idea to hang about anywhere near the classroom after his death.  
  
The monotonous, repetitively of eating the same meals on a bi-weekly basis had Infact began to grate on Harry in his second year. He almost found himself missing the crap that Aunt. Petunia handed out, almost, but not quite. And then there was Hagrid, hardly the world's best cook, but more innovative then those damn House Elves. Harry wondered what real restaurant food tasted like.  
  
Meanwhile, Ron Weasley, Harry's ubiquitous and annoyingly cynical best friend sat beside him reading a Hellboy comic in one hand, whilst attempting to spear a pancake on a fork with the other.  
  
"Do you really have to read that while we eat?" Harry asked, irritating nudging Ron with his left elbow.  
  
"Yes, if I'm caught reading this muggle storybook in any lessons.I'll be the laughing stock of the Slytherin's, and I can't exactly read it in the common room or library.I am too busy there staring at Hermione and considering what will happen between the two of us in the next 2 books."  
  
"Stay away from Hermione you uncharismatic, bisexual ginger.she is a future Ex-Mrs.Potter"  
  
"Harry, you can't keep claiming people as future wives. First it was Ginny, then Pavarti, who next, my mother?"  
  
"Hey, you can't blame a guy for wanting some variety. Voldemort will probably finish me off before I hit my thirties, so I might as well spend my time constructively."  
  
"No Harry, HERMIONE IS MINE! No argument, we made this agreement like 3 years ago. She is mine for takings, and in return, I give you my blessing to do what you will with Ginny."  
  
"Huh? Why are you so obsessed with Hermione today?"  
  
Harry leaned over and glanced into Ron's comic book. Inside, where the drawings of Hellboy should have been featuring, instead sat a college of photos of Hermione sitting in the library.  
  
"SO YOU'RE THE STALKER" Harry screamed, causing Ron to drop the book and nervously look around, realising that the whole hall was looking at him.  
  
"We'll discuss this in private", Ron replied hurriedly, standing and ushering Harry out of the room. They walked quietly, in single file all the way up until they reached their dormitory. When there, Ron locked the door and turned to face Harry. "I admit it, its gone past obsession"  
  
Harry frowned in confusion. "What's gone past obsession"?  
  
Ron sighed, and began to unbutton his shirt. Harry uncomfortably edged backwards, reaching for his wand. He soon found his fingers losing their grip though, and he stared forward in pure shock as Ron ripped off his shirt, and Harry found Hermione staring back at him.  
  
Well, a tattoo of Hermione anyway. It was approximately a foot high, stretching from the bottom of his neck to his lower abdomen. It had been charmed so that every 20 or so seconds, a speech bubble with backwards writing appeared, praising Ron (Presumably backwards so it could be read in mirrors by the aforementioned Mr.Weasley). Ron grinned excitedly, and stared at Harry. Harry stared back, feeling the urine trickling down his inside leg. Usually the embarrassment would overpower him, but he was too stunned to even notice. As Harry looked on, Ron whipped out his wand and fired a bolt of something cold and blue at him. Harry felt his body go numb, and he fell to the floor with only control over the movement of his eyes. He managed to glance upwards as Ron pulled on a plastic Hermione mask, with elastic stretching around the back from his suitcase.and carefully placed it over his face. He then found his body being dragged along the wooden floor, sharp splinters stabbing through his robes and into his skin. The pain stopped next to Ron's suitcase, which was still open.yet looked visibly larger on the inside. Ron, still baring his tattoo and wearing his mask lifted Harry with ease, and tossed him inside the suitcase. Harry landed inside, where it was of similar size to a small bedroom. Far above him, Ron slammed it shut, and Harry felt movement and feeling returning to his limbs.  
  
He lept straight to his feet, and reached blindly in the darkness for a light switch. He found one directly in front of him on one of the inner- suitcases 'walls'. After pressing it, he wished instantly he hadn't. Ron's magically enlarged suitcase had become some sort of obscure shrine to Hermione Granger. Thousands of moving photos lined each of the four walls and the ceiling. All of Hermione. Some of her sitting in the library, some of her lying unconscious in the hospital wing; evidently taken on one of the numerous occasions that she had been injured.  
  
Harry was in practical awe. The most disturbing thing was the graffiti. Ron had scrawled in white chalk large messages and notes to himself over the photos and walls. Next to a photo of her shaking hands with Ron at the end of the second year, probably stolen from Colin's collection, he had written,  
  
"stupid harry, Hermione likes ME most meeeeeeeeeee. She hates harry and everyone else and stupid Hagrid, ron is the best everyone likes ron Hermione likes ron most. We are going to kill everyone else and then become head teacher and mrs.head teacher of hogworts and harry is going to die and so is ginny and percy and Sirius and..oh yeah, Sirius already dead."  
  
Ron had lost it. Complete and utter mental breakdown of the worst kind. If he weren't in such a dire situation, Harry would even feel sorry for his best friend, but its hard when he has locked you inside his suitcase having just cast a nasty stunning spell on you.  
  
Just as Harry was about to begin formulating a plan for escape, he heard a high-pitched, squeaky voice come from the corner of the room. "Is that Mr. Harry Potter, Sir?" "Dobby! Thank God you're here, Ron has gone mad, he needs help. We need to escape immediately. How did you get in?"  
  
Dobby stepped out of the shadows, and stood alongside Harry, who was now desperately glancing upwards. "Escape is impossible, Sir. Dobby has been here for 2 weeks. Mr.Ronald Weasley trapped Dobby in here when Dobby caught Ronald Weasley taking photographs of Hermione Granger in the toilet." "In the toilet, ewwwww, what a weirdo", Harry replied.a look of disgust spreading across his face. "Surely though Dobby you can apparate out of here, and then get me out?" "House elves are not supposed to do proper magic Sir. Dobby could get in trouble" "You'll get into more trouble if you stay in here with me you little bastard, now get me the hell out of here", Harry angrily quipped back, letting loose some of that Book 5 resentment.  
  
Twenty minutes later, Dobby had freed Harry, and the two sat on Harry's bed contemplating how to go about revenge. They soon agreed that the best way would be to find some crazy animal of Hagrid's and unleash it on Ron until he was dead. Little would Ron have any comprehension of what Harry had in store for him though as that evening, Harry carried the Xenomorph egg back into the castle.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED... 


	2. Infected Ron

Chapter 2  
  
That evening, every single student and teacher in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry sat, eating House-elf cooked food on the long wooden tables...that stretched from one side of the main hall. Ron Weasley sat with his younger sister, several places along from Harry. Having not yet realised that the bespectacled 'boy who lived' had escaped from his scary fetish shrine to Hermione, he did a definite double take, when he noticed Harry angrily staring at him from his seat opposite Neville. They both glared at each other for a moment, before Ron raised his finger to his throat and drew it across in a threatening manner. Harry wasn't the least bit frightened. A kid who has witnessed the death of his parents, his godfather and that irritating Diggory guy who got axed back in Book 4, learns to cope with being the target of possible assassinations. And anyway, Harry had nothing to fear... if things went well, then Ron would be joining Peeves and Nearly Headless Nick by the end of the night, floating around the corridors, leaving trails of ectoplasmic slime stuck to doors which would infuriate Filch.  
  
Harry's plan, which had been formulated alongside Mr.Dobby, as he was now insisting on being called, was simple. The Xenomorph egg would be left next to Ron's bed in the evening. When the ginger boy fell asleep, the face- hugger would impregnate him with a Queen Alien, and hours later, Ron would find the creature exploding out of his rib-cage, killing Ron instantly and providing Harry with revenge.. Oh, and free reign over Hermione. Harry continued smugly thinking about his plan as Dumbledore blew his whistle and instructed all the students to make their way back to their common rooms, and get the hell out of his hall, as he had a break dancing lesson at 9PM.  
  
Harry slowly plodded back to his dormitory, a sly little smile on his face... He could hear Ron a few paces behind him, and seconds later the ginger one fell into step beside him. "So, you got out?" Ron asked. "Yes thank you, and don't worry...your secret is safe with me" "What secret?" "You know...about your obsession" "Obsession...obsession, I haven't got an obsession" "Denial is the most basic of human emotions" "Whatever you say dude, my dad was in The Fast Show."  
  
They soon reached their room, and Harry lay awake in bed laughing quietly as Ron haplessly threw his dressing gown over the Xenomorph egg, and climbed into bed. About 20 minutes later, as Ron began to snore...Harry heard the egg crack open, and a slimy oily sound resonated around the room as the face hugger raised its legs out of the egg shell and climbed slowly onto Ron's bed. Harry's smile widened as it crept onto his face like some sort of giant spider, and wrapped its tentacles around his neck, then inserted a tube into his throat, which would allow the fertilised embryo to make its way into his chest. Not waiting to find out whether his plan would succeed, Harry found himself drifting into a deep sleep.  
  
The following morning, the face hugger had obviously unattached itself and wondered off somewhere, as Ron was looking healthier when he had in months. As Harry went down to breakfast, he could see that the second youngest Weasley child was looking like he had drunk a whole pot of coffee, leaping around the table collecting various food substances and telling anecdotes. It was not to last. Harry looked at his stopwatch. The timer was ticking.....5....4.....3...2...1  
  
Ron coughed. Just once, nobody really noticed. Then he coughed again, and fell backwards onto the table spluttering and choking. Dumbledore looked up from the teacher's table and waved his wand. Every student around Ron was knocked back 2 metres, leaving a large circle, which Dumbledore strode into. On the table in front of him, Ron began to cough up blood, and a small hole appeared in his chest, which began to spray blood like a geyser all over Dumbledore's face. Wiping blood from his beard, Albus Dumbledore looked on with as much surprise as anyone else as the Alien exploded from Ron's chest and onto the table. It looked around for a second, making a loud screeching noise before spitting a ball of acid into Dumbledore's face. The students screamed, running in every direction in a state of panic and trying to escape. Dumbledore fell to the ground, the acid burning through his beard and into his skin. It was now, in a state of both triumph and slight embarrassment that Harry realised the enormity of his mistake. He had just directly caused the death of both his best friend and the head teacher. But the head teacher wasn't dead. As Dumbledore rose with immaculate precision from the ground, Harry could see the metal under his skin, which the acid had burnt away. Dumbledore stared at Harry, seeing from a red tinted viewpoint that allowed him to analyse data from all directions. "Harry Potter?" Dumbledore asked in a bland Austrian accent.  
  
Dumbledore raised a pair of sunglasses, and placed them on his crooked nose. "Hasta La Vista.Harry"  
  
"Woah....what are you talking about professor, I didn't know you had seen T2?"  
  
"Harry...my mission is to protect you"  
  
"From what?"  
  
Dumbledore pointed behind Harry. He turned, and saw that Ron was standing, his wounds filling with a silver liquid metal...a mimetic Polly alloy if you will.  
  
"RON...YOU NEVER SAID YOU WERE A TERMINATOR!"  
  
TO BE CONTINUED.. 


	3. The B team

Chapter 3  
  
"In 1981 a crack wizarding unit was sent to Azkaban prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum-security stockade to the London underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the B- Team."  
  
Remus Lupin is Faceman; he can talk his way out of any situation, sometimes using his werewolf powers to bite his way out.  
  
Sirius Black is HM Murdock; so crazy even death eaters are scared  
  
Kingsley Shacklebolt is BA Baracus, hardest token in the hood  
  
Albus Dumbledore is Hannibal, leader and master of disguise  
  
"VIGILANTES FOR HIRE.CALL 04848661988"  
  
Harry closed the Yellow Pages, and picked up a phone. In order to stop Terminator Ron, this may be his only hope. He tapped the number into his mobile phone, and waited for a few seconds as it rung. Remus Lupin soon answered, "Hello, vigilantes for hire..we can take down ghosts for £4000, dark lords for £5000 and at a special offer this month, we can destroy all Weasley's for only £7000"  
  
"Yes! That's the one I want," Harry screamed into the phone.  
  
"Excellent" Lupin replied, "Just let me take your details".  
  
Harry heard the phone being placed down on a surface, as Lupin wondered off to find a pen. In the background he could hear Sirius speaking.  
  
"Oh, come on Remus dear, come back to bed"  
  
Harry edged slowly away from the phone, very concerned about the potential gayness of his allegedly deceased godfather and former defence against the dark arts teacher. Harry had read many fan-fictions on the Internet that also suggested this possibility, but his fears were soon alleviated when he suddenly realised the sarcastic tone in Sirius voice, and remembered how in their third year, Lupin had once proven his heterosexuality by taking part in a dare which culminated in an abortion by Professor Trelawney. Harry chuckled to himself. Old Trelawney certainly didn't predict that little incident. Obviously Lupin was entirely heterosexual, no doubt in Harry's mind. And as for Sirius, well, only a 10-minute glance into his penseive over the summer made it absolutely impossible that Sirius had even considered it.  
  
A little later, Lupin returned to the phone, and Harry gave his full details and location. As he hung up at the end of the call, he was delighted that the individual known as Ronald Weasley would soon be dead  
  
The following day, the students and faculty again sat eating quietly in the main hall. All eyes were on Ron, who sat in silence. Many of the pupils regarded his 'death' as nothing more then an obviously elaborate practical joke, a joke that was neither funny nor clever. But a few, including Harry, knew the truth. Remus Lupin, Sirius Black and Kingsley Shacklebolt sat alongside Albus Dumbledore at the teacher's table. Professor Snape continually glanced in anger towards his two former classmates. Snape's story of woe was irrelevant compared to Shacklebolt's during the summer of 59. He underwent months of racial abuse from the evil Slytherin's, something that was eventually remedied when he set up a small business in the fourth floor men's room selling cheap dope. Little did the Slytherin customers know that it was Infact rat faeces mixed with dry grass.  
  
Eitherway, the story of Shacklebolt's past is not the one being told here, so Snape's minor glance towards the group was unimportant.  
  
As the majority of the students slowly left the main hall in single file at the end of the banquet, Ron remained in his seat at the command of Dumbledore. Behind the teacher's table, Harry was handing notes over to Lupin. Hard, cold British currency, none of that Wizard rubbish.  
  
"£7000 plus tip, that should just about cover it" Harry muttered under his breath as he placed the money in Lupin's eager hands. Lupin took the money and split it four ways, handing their equal shares to Sirius, Kingsley and Dumbledore. Finally, Lupin removed a £50 note and placed it firmly into Snape's top pocket. Snape took the hint, and left the room followed by Harry, closing the door behind them.  
  
Ron meanwhile, sat entirely unawares on his seat, watching them, waiting.  
  
Even his highly advanced mecha CPU could not predict the next event though, as the four men still at the teachers table pulled large assault rifles from their feet and pointed them at him.  
  
"Get the ginger wanker," screamed Dumbledore as he opened fire. The recoil action blowing his beard off and revealing Professor Quirrell.  
  
"Quirrell, you bastard." Sirius said as he turned his gun slowly on the stuttering individual. "Ppppleeease don't hurt ppppppppoor ppppppprofesssor Quirrell."  
  
"Too late screamed Ron, raising his Ak-47. Time to fight the common enemy. Assalam-Alai-Kum motherfu*er"  
  
Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, Ron Weasley and Kingsley Shacklebolt climbed over the desks and all opened fire, blowing Professor Quirrell back to Ireland. When the brief firing session had ended, Remus, Sirius and Kingsley again turned to face Ron. Ron dropped his gun and his arm began to change, morphing into a large sword. He charged forward and lept onto the table, about to stab Lupin when the real Dumbledore arrived. He pushed Lupin out of the way as Ron's arm stabbed towards him, hitting only air. "All of you leave!" Dumbledore screamed. They did a 180 and ran off towards the front of the main hall, acrobatically leaping over the teacher's desks and landing with their feet firmly on the ground. Behind them, Dumbledore was holding off the liquid metal Ron Weasley, who had obviously copied and terminated the REAL Ron on a previous occasion.  
  
As Dumbledore pulled out his wand, it looked as though it was adios for Ron, if it wasn't for the rest of his family crashing a tank through the back of the room.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED.. 


	4. Time to fight

Chapter 4  
  
A number of things flashed through Dumbledore's head as he stood there weakly holding his wand and staring at the tank heading towards him. The first thing that crossed his mind was why the ministry of magic so adamantly insisted on hiding the wizard world's way of life from the general public. Surely it would be for the benefit of mankind to utilise the potential of magic to its fullest, instead of the fortunate few who possessed such abilities constantly keeping their skills hidden from the world. The second thing that passed through Dumbledore's head was a bullet as Arthur Weasley lept from the tank firing madly. No reason for his actions, but the senior Mr.Weasley didn't like to see anyone pulling a wand on his son, who he was unaware had actually been killed several days prior to the current events, and had been replaced with a T-1000 mimetic poly-alloy liquid metal cyberdyne model terminator.  
  
As Dumbledore fell to the ground, Ron turned to face his family. Like a hobo on a ham sandwich, they all charged towards him, eagerly grabbing him and throwing him inside the tank where he would be safe from any further attacks. Seconds later, Lupin, Sirius and Shacklebolt came busting back into the hall. Ginny Weasley made a run for the tank, but Shacklebolt was packing some serious heat, and with one firm press of his finger, a rocket was making its way swiftly through the air and in her direction. Her ginger hair was instantly turned to carbon as the rocket exploded.  
  
"No more sequels for her" Remus Lupin said unconscientiously as the trio strode past her flaming corpse and over to the tank. With a swish of his wand, Sirius had the tank open and had dragged Arthur, Molly, George, Fred and Percy Weasley out and into the centre of the hall where Shacklebolt proceeded to put a bullet in each, completing their mission. Well, apart from Ron...who kinda screwed up the whole thing when he leaped out of the tank and ripped off Kingsley Shacklebolt's head. He threw it aside like the now useless lump of meat it was and marched towards Sirius and Lupin.  
  
Both sweared extremely loudly, realising the inevitability of their fate. It was worse for Sirius though, because as they say 'you only live twice'. It would take an incredible stroke of luck to save the remaining two marauders now, which came in the form of young Hermione Granger with a big plastic bag full of fridge magnets. "Quickly, throw these fridge magnets at the liquid metal Ron and it will disrupt his molecular structure and kill him" She yelled.  
  
"Where the hell did you find that out?" Sirius replied.  
  
"From the library. Gilderoy Lockhart's new book 'Robots from the future and me' was released last week, it has a whole chapter on what to do when your best friend and potential future husband is replaced by an evil killer cyborg from a dark and noirish future where humans find themselves in a battle for their survival against not apes, but machines."  
  
"Er, okay" Lupin muttered under his breath as the three of them began to throw the Teletubbies and Bob the Builder fridge magnets, collected from Cereal packets, at Ron Weasley.  
  
At first, they did nothing more then stick to him, slowing his progress slightly as he walked towards them. But as the hundredth magnet hit him in the face, he found the weight overwhelming, and fell to the floor unable to move. The easiest thing now was for Sirius and Lupin to both heave the metal heap off the floor and toss him out the stained glass windows. He fell 200 feet onto the rocks below, then slid down to the bottom of the lake, still unable to move, and not in a hurry to either. The fridge magnets had done something miraculous to the Ron Weasley terminator. As he lay under a mass of water staring up into the Dipsy and Laa-Laa magnets that covered his eyes, he found his programmed urge to kill Harry drifting away into the abyss and discovered a new and docile way of survival. Not that it mattered anyway, for when you are laying at the bottom of a bottomless lake covered in fridge magnets... you're not escaping anytime soon.  
  
Back in the main hall, Snape and Harry were slowly creeping back inside to see how the whole thing had gone. It appeared that during their brief absence, Snape had been shopping with his £50 bribe, and now sported a pair of Ray-ban sunglasses to match his black robes. Harry definitely looked forward to the future with this new fun loving and cool Snape opposed to the old bastard who used to urinate into their potions.  
  
"How did it go?" Harry asked as he kicked aside Kingsley Shacklebolt's decapitated cranium. "Well, accidents happen, but I like to think that we got the job done. Surely another success story for the B-team" Lupin replied. "Yes" Sirius concurred, "the only problem now is that we require someone to replace Kingsley. I would ask you Severus, but you have a track record of betrayal."  
  
"What!!!!" Snape screamed back in shock.  
  
"Oh come on Snivellus, the list is endless. Die Hard, Robin Hood Prince of Thieves, Michael Collins; you keep screwing over people who trust you. You will never be a part of the B-team. We need someone new, someone original, someone nobody would ever expect to find in a Warner Bros film!"  
  
At that moment of desperate confusion and despair, salvation came as the main doors swung open and a figure emerged. An ethereal being made of light, who cast white beams deep into the eyes of those standing before him, all fell to their knees apart from Snape who's sunglasses were proving their worth.  
  
"WHO ARE YOU? SHOW YOURSELF!" Lupin screamed, trying to cover his face.  
  
Out of the light emerged Gandalf, robed in white and carrying a new staff.  
  
"I come back to you now at the turn of the tide"  
  
Furiously, Sirius rose and grabbed Gandalf by the collar, throwing him head first out of the stained glass window the way Ron went. He then lent out and shouted after him. "WRONG FRANCHISE MCKELLAN YOU BLOODY IDIOT"  
  
TO BE CONTINUED... 


	5. Inheritance

Using material previously written in feature length screenplay 'Exposure'© 2002 (David Camp, all rights reserved)  
  
****************************  
  
Chapter 5  
  
Harry and Ron walked down a pleasant country lane, the kind you may walk a dog down perhaps. As they walked happily, without a care in the world, Ron suddenly turned to Harry and spoke.  
  
"You know that feeling you get when you're on holiday, and you get up pretty early, like eight, half-eight, and maybe you're having breakfast on the balcony or something, whatever...anyway, you hear all these noises, common noises though, like the noise a lorry makes when it reverses.  
  
"The beep?" Harry replied sarcastically  
  
"Yeah, the beep beep, and other things like the noise of the people in the kitchens making all the food and that hurried small talk of people on the street below...Anyway, there are noises that you know and understand, you recognise them, and yet they will surprise you because you weren't expecting them. And it gives you the worldly feeling, that while everything is universal, it still revolves around me....and you know what, that's how I feel this morning."  
  
"You feel worldly?" Harry replied again, with a distinct sense of biting cynicism towards Ron's optimistic morning monologue.  
  
"No...I mean I feel surprised by everyday events. I am ignorant to recognition. The familiar is seducing me and making me its dirty love child." Ron sighed, as he stopped briefly to tie his shoelace. Harry also ceased his movement, and turned to face Ron.  
  
"Dude, that's a gift. I'm serious. You're a lucky son of a bitch. Unlike some of us, routine is destroying me. The boredom of life, the same old same old...God dammit, give me change, give me disorder, give me a one-way ticket to where its all happening because the truth is, I feel more alive facing Voldemort then I ever do sitting in my Auntie and Uncle's dilapidated spare bedroom."  
  
Suddenly Harry realised how ridiculous he was beginning to sound. Infact, what was Ron doing anyway, wasn't he supposed to be dead? Harry soon remedied the problem as he sat up anxiously in bed, realising the whole conversation had just been a dream. Thank God for that, a simple and massively clichéd narrative technique had saved him once again. Once he had fully awoken, Harry trekked downstairs to the main hall, where the mess was still being cleared. After a few more hours of tidying, Remus Lupin and Sirius Black departed Hogwarts, once again leaving young Harry Potter alone with only his thoughts for company. The thought that floated most prominently around his mind was how much he had screwed everything up. Ron Weasley may have been a little irritating at times, but surely death was not the antidote for his insatiable obsession towards all things Hermione. Arthur, Molly, Ginny, Percy, George and Fred Weasley were also just helpless victims in a pointless war.  
  
The whole thing had succeeded in making Harry thoroughly depressed, so as he marched back up to the Gryffindor common room, he drew a knife from his belt and held it to the artery in his wrist, ready to end it all.  
  
"Is this the end for the famous Harry Potter" he said quietly to himself.  
  
It would have been had an owl not come screeching through the air a second later carrying a strange letter, which was promptly dropped into Harry's outstretched hands. As the owl flew off again, Harry lifted the knife and slit open the top of the paper envelope, allowing the letter to fall out.  
  
It read...  
  
Dear Mr.Potter  
  
We are writing to inform you that following the unfortunate murders of Mr and Mrs. A Weasley, you have received precisely £1000000000 in inheritance, to spend as you wish. We would give the figure in Wizarding currency, but no conversion charts are currently available, and economically speaking, nobody likes our retarded money anyway. Not enough different units of currency, 3 coloured coins are not varied enough to sustain an entire economy.  
  
Thank you,  
  
-Gringotts bank.  
  
Harry's eyes then lit up as he checked his bank balance on the Internet. He was a certified millionaire. Evidently the Weasley's had kept their secret wealth hidden from him, and their house had reached quite an impressive price in the post-death auction that must have taken place. For a wizard, it was just another house, but had it been sold to a muggle buyer, as Harry suspected, then the price could easily have been equal to the inheritance Harry had received.  
  
The question now was, what to spend the money on? YOU DECIDE!!!!  
  
Yes, in order for this story to continue.. you, my readers (well if there are any) must choose and write on the reviews menu what Harry should spend the money on. This is kind of a test on my behalf, to see if anyone is actually reading the thing and if it's worth continuing.  
  
Review!!! 


	6. Interview with a werewolf

Thank you for reviews. Appreciated as always, but keep R/R as the more reviews the better!!!!!  
  
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Chapter 6  
  
2 weeks had passed since Harry had become a rich man. As he sat on a sun bed in the Hogwarts grounds, with a butler bringing him an almost ridiculously cold beer he thought back to the events that had transpired previously. Dumbledore's death had led to the prompt arrival of a different Dumbledore (played by Michael Gambon) in the head teacher's office. Ron's death had gone unnoticed, as prefects were generally ignored anyway, and Professor Snape's new badass streetwise attitude had angered the whole of Slytherin house immensely.   
  
But Hogwarts was a school, and lessons continued. That was what infuriated Harry the most. It would be okay if there had been some change, some irregular behaviour from the other students or some new rules imposed, but the consistent normality of everything was as irritating as 4 hours of signing envelopes for Lockhart.  
  
As his dream in the previous chapter had shown, Harry was tired of the monotonous repetition of everyday life at Hogwarts. It was similar to being in the military he imagined, with Snape as a drill sergeant perhaps.  
  
There was only one thing in the world that could install some new excitement into his existence. He would have to join the B-team.  
  
Sirius and Remus had pasted an advert into several tabloid newspapers that were floating around the school. They required someone to replace the dearly departed Dumbledore #1. Someone young, who had a good 70 years ahead of them, Harry may well suit the job perfectly.  
  
He was only in his mid teens, he liked to picture himself thinking up some good one-liners, and he was definitely a master of disguise………the invisibility cloak guaranteed that.  
  
So Harry went ahead with his plan, and the following day sent his CV to Remus Lupin's house as well as a comprehensive application for the position.   
  
Shortly afterwards he was emailed back the time and location for an interview.  
  
10 DAYS LATER  
  
Harry sat inside Remus Lupin's office shuffling his identification details and occasionally glancing from side-to-side nervously. "So", Lupin began, "You have experience with feeding flobberworms?" "Errmm, yes. We had to feed them during my third year" Harry replied, laying his papers carefully downward on Lupin's desk. "Wow, that's fantastic…you have the job" Lupin responded. Harry briefly sat staring in surprise, before stammering out with "Wasn't that a little easy?" "Possibly, but your application form seems to be in order and we're REALLY desperate for someone to fill this position. We haven't been able to go on a single mission since Albus was killed." "But there are still three of you!!!" Harry retorted, slightly bewildered and embarrassed by how simple the interview had been. Lupin anxiously looked down at his feet, then up again looking intently into Harry's eyes. "Two actually Harry, two of us. We had an accident the other day. I forgot to lock my door at full moon when the transformation took place. Hogsmeade is a long way away, so when here I usually just clear the room of all my papers and transform peacefully with Sirius at my side in an entirely heterosexual way. Unfortunately in this incident poor Kingsley Shacklebolt had forgotten his paycheck, and when he popped in late that evening to collect it…well, you can guess the rest. Look down the hall later; Sirius has been there for the last few days with all sorts of detergents trying to get the blood stains out of the carpet." Harry smiled weakly and edged a few inches away from Lupin's desk. Lupin frowned and leaned forwards, closing the gap between the two. "Scared that I'm going to do the same to you Harry? Well don't be, you are safe for at least the next 4 weeks." Lupin winked at Harry. Harry backed even further away. At this point, Lupin's calm temperament was shattered. He stood abruptly and grabbed Harry's tie. Pulling him within an inch of his own face. "You have a choice Mr.Potter. I am offering you this job, do you want to accept it or do you want to decline it. I am only going to offer it once. I assure you that if you join our group, the next chapter will be MUCH funnier then this one. Are you in?" Harry removed his tie from Lupin's grasp and sat back down, staring for a moment at Lupin's greying hair and moustache.   
  
"Okay, I'm in" Harry replied. "But one thing is annoying me?"  
  
"What's that?" Lupin asked curiously.  
  
"Why the hell have you suddenly got a moustache? In the books Lupin never had a moustache, why does David Thewlis have one in the movie?"  
  
"Who the hell is David Thewlis?"  
  
TO BE CONTINUED!!! 


	7. The Moustache

Chapter 7  
  
"And then he was in this movie called Dragonheart, which was pretty good. And finally, he got cast as you in the film of my third year at school." As Harry finished explaining who David Thewlis was, he realised that Lupin had fallen fast asleep, so was therefore completely ignoring him. Harry frowned irritably and exited the room, wondering over into Sirius office where things were much more interesting. Sirius sat wearing sunglasses on a deckchair, a hole blasted through the roof so he could catch the sun without having to leave the safety of the office. The cricket was playing loudly on his television. "Hi Sirius" Harry said cheerily, as he entered. Sirius turned abruptly, knocking his cocktail onto the floor and spilling it. "Oh...er, hi Harry. What brings you to these parts?" "Lupin gave me the job. So I guess from now on you'll be addressing me as Mr.Potter"  
  
"Don't get your hopes up kid." Sirius replied, glaring at Harry angrily. For the briefest of moments Harry was reminded of the cold murderer he had seen on the front page of the Daily Prophet all those years ago. "Whatever you want Sirius. Harry...Mr.Potter... you can call me what you like." "That's better" Sirius growled. "Good to see you showing a little respect to your elders."  
  
Harry paused for a moment, before sitting on the edge of Sirius' desk. "So, Sirius...I was thinking, Its Remus birthday coming up soon." "Indeed Harry. 40 years old. Big day." "Yes, well, I was thinking we could buy him something better if we got him something jointly." "Okay, what did you have in mind?" "I was thinking we could buy him a razor to shave off his moustache. You know, JK Rowling never said Lupin had a moustache in the books. I think it would make logical sense Sirius, as then he would be fitting in with the original descriptions laid out by JK, instead of trying to twist them into something new and strange." "What are you talking about Harry" Sirius muttered to himself, a little confused by what Harry was babbling on about.  
  
"I am saying that Remus Lupin for some reason suddenly has a moustache, and it is pissing me off." Harry shouted back.  
  
"WHAT!?!?!?!" Sirius screamed in reply, so loud that it awoke Lupin in the other room. Lupin came striding in, and stood in the doorway confused as to what all the noise was about.  
  
"REMUS...HARRY HERE TELLS ME YOU HAVE A MOUSTACHE."  
  
"Errr, no Sirius that isn't true." Remus garbled as he fumbled in his pocket for something to quickly cut off his moustache with. Harry stepped backwards behind Sirius and lifted his hand, removing Sirius sunglasses for him. Sirius blinked for a second, adjusting to the brightness of the room then caught Lupin's eye.  
  
"REMUS IT'S TRUE!!!!!!!!"  
  
The sheer anger in Sirius voice forced Lupin to the ground, floods of tears falling down his face and his left hand desperately covering his moustache.  
  
"SIRIUS I'M SORRY!!!"  
  
"SORRY ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH REMUS, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING OF!"  
  
Lupin composed himself, and sat up a little, kneeling on the ground trying to dry his eyes.  
  
"It all started when we were solving the Weasley problem. I forgot to shave one morning, and before I knew it the moustache had come. I tried to stop it Sirius, really I did...I tried so hard but I couldn't"  
  
Lupin grabbed the bottom of Sirius cloak, wiping his eyes frantically.  
  
"GET THAT FILTHY THING AWAY FROM ME" Sirius roared, kicking Lupin's moustache across the room. "You will not be forgiven, you are grounded for a month. Now get to your bedroom right away and shave that thing off." Sirius was constantly pointing wildly at Lupin's facial hair as he screamed this order.  
  
"Yes Sir." Lupin crawled away, occasionally bowing in Sirius direction. He seemed as pathetic as Peter Pettigrew crossed with Dobby. Neither Sirius nor Harry could feel pity though. The real Remus Lupin would deserve respect, but not this feeble impostor who dared to try and give such a beloved and talked about character a stupid crappy moustache. Only by shaving off the moustache and apologising many times could Lupin ever gain back the respect he had once had.  
  
As he left, Sirius sat back down and put his sunglasses back on. Harry sat up on his desk again.  
  
"What now?" Harry asked, a little bemused by the events of the day.  
  
"We stay here for a while, until the author can think up some more ideas"  
  
TO BE CONTINUED... 


	8. Dreams

Chapter 8  
  
It was late evening. Water splashed against the side of the dock as a large yacht was tied to a metal hook using a tattered piece of rope. The two men partaking in this job looked about suspiciously as a car drove past in the distance. They relaxed their efforts for a second, as they double-checked that nobody was about. Behind a pile of barrels, a few paces away, a snake slowly slithered along the ground. It silently glided past the two men, and over the plank...making its way onto the huge liner. This was no ordinary snake though. It was Infact an unlicensed, illegal Animagus known as Severus Snape.  
  
The year was 1981. Voldemort was at the height of his power, and Agent.Snape, esteemed spy of the British Secret Service, was working as a double agent in an attempt to help cause the downfall of the aforementioned dark lord.  
  
When safely on the ship, Snape quickly transformed back into his usual self, wiping a little slime from his forehead, and tying back his greasy black hair with an elastic band. Sidling against the side of the yacht, he glanced around the corner where the two guards were still standing, having securely tied the boat to the dock. With a swish of his wand, both were on the ground unconscious. Snape wiped a little Vaseline on his forehead, to prevent his eyebrows from dripping the unusual oil they discharged into his eyes. He slid the small plastic bottle back into his pocket at the exact same moment as a figures shadow became visible, alongside the audibility of some footsteps. He instantly pulled his wand back out of his waist-mounted holster.  
  
Thankfully, the footsteps soon died away. Snape sighed in relief and placed his wand back in the holster. He crept around the corner leisurely and slid through the open door at the far end, entering the interior of the boat.  
  
Inside, there were four lamps...each in the corner of a large central room. In the direct centre of the room sat an armchair. And on the armchair sat Lord.Voldemort.  
  
"No need for all the sneaking around Severus, you are welcome here anytime."  
  
Voldemort spoke in a relaxed tone. He was sitting with his legs crossed, swirling a glass of brandy in his left hand. Pretty much a stereotyped villain. 2/3 Mr.Burns and 1/3 Hannibal Lecter.  
  
"I like the sneaking around. It's half the reason I still do this Voldy. The fun of tricking Dumbledore into believing I ever really left the proverbial 'dark side' and joined his order. The old fool is so ignorant, I could practically walk up to him and scream 'Hey Albus, I'm an evil bastard' and he wouldn't even register it. Stupid idiot"  
  
Voldemort smiled for a second, then let loose a roaring laugh, which sent his brandy flicking all over the ground below.  
  
"Ha! That's why I love ya Sevy, come over here and sit on my knee and we'll discuss our plans for world domination.  
  
"Okay Voldy, Hmmmm, let me see. According to my checklist you have a busy month. You have to find the Potter's and kill them some how..."  
  
"The Potters! Why Sevy, why!!! I always liked them. They sent me an Easter Egg last year."  
  
Snape patted Voldemort on the head and showed him his notepad.  
  
"Sorry Voldemort, I can't disrespect the notepad. It says you have to kill them so you have to kill them."  
  
"But..."  
  
"No buts Voldy"  
  
* ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.  
  
Snape woke hastily, sitting up immediately in his bed and rubbing his eyes, which were having trouble keeping up with his mind. Snape's brain was always alert, regardless of fatigue. He lifted his feet out from under the duvet and into a pair of fluffy pink slippers on the ground below. Snape's eyebrow rose almost automatically, this wasn't right.  
  
* ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR  
  
Snape awoke again, for real this time. He rubbed a finger through his oily hair; just to be sure he wasn't stuck in some sort of obscure dream again. It was all okay...he was back to reality. Thankfully the author had something of an obsession with simple and massively clichéd narrative techniques, so their frequent use in chapters was able to help him avoid dodgy situations.  
  
Snape rose from his bed and walked calmly over to his bedside mirror, stopping temporarily to splash a little water over his white face. During his brief glance at his reflection, he noticed he was looking even whiter then usual. It was like looking at a photograph of Michael Jackson. The contrast between the white skin and pitch-black hair was quite startling. Perhaps he should set up a Michael Jackson tribute band? Professor. McGonagall could help out even. Speaking of McGonagall, for some insane reason that Snape couldn't comprehend she was laying naked in his bed. She rolled over and looked up at Snape's shocked face.  
  
"Severus, do you always sleep with a wand under your pillow?"  
  
* HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAAA  
  
Sirius Black leaned back from Severus Snape's stolen penseive, laughing manically. Harry sat nearby, practically wetting himself at the sheer absurdity of Snape's dreams. They were both unable to speak for a good few minutes, as the hilarity wore off. Sirius had stolen Snape's penseive a week previously whilst on a routine trip to Hogwarts. The possibility of seeing some of Snivellus' memories, thoughts and dreams was too good a possibility to miss. When the laughter had fully evaporated from the office, Sirius turned to Harry and spoke sincerely.  
  
"Jesus Harry, we really screwed Snivellus up as a kid!"  
  
"Maybe you did, but that's all in the past. He has changed, he really has. Ever since he bought that pair of sunglasses, word on the street is he has been strutting around Hogwarts like some jive-talking lunatic. He even called Hermione a 'beeyatch'!"  
  
"What's a 'beeyatch', Harry?"  
  
"I don't know Sirius, I don't know."  
  
Sirius scratched his beard for a second, then looked up towards his door way. Lupin was sheepishly making his way back into the room, his moustache fully removed.  
  
"Remus, excellent. I was just speaking to Harry...apparently Severus Snape has been acting rather odd over at Hogwarts. I think its time we paid him a little visit. The B-team are about to go on an adventure."  
  
TO BE CONTINUED.... 


	9. Pointless Chapter, The Two Towers homage

Authors note- Kinda felt the story wasn't going anywhere, so am catapulting it into a magical future world where Sirius has died and continuity errors reign free without fear of reprieve. This allows me to do an elaborate Two Towers homage, among other things. Please R/R. I even enjoy getting bad reviews, because a review is a review and I love reviews like a child loves cake.  
  
* Chapter 9  
  
Harry looked at his watch. It barely felt like a moment had passed since Sirius death, but somehow it had been a whole 36 hours. The Order of the Phoenix book had missed out some serious moments in his post-death-of-a- godfather. Harry was suffering. The only notable moment in the last day and a half was his visit by Remus Lupin, and Hagrid and their...er...trip into the woods for no particular reason so there could be a cool but pointless Two Towers plagiaristic reference.  
  
Here it is....  
  
Hagrid fingered a dark stain on a leaf and brought it to his mouth.  
  
Hagrid: Urg! Unicorn blood.  
  
Lupin: These are strange tracks.  
  
Hagrid: The air is so close in here.  
  
Harry: This forest is old. Very old. Full of memory.... and anger.  
  
Groans reverberate through the forest and Hagrid raises his axe.  
  
Harry: The trees are speaking to each other.  
  
Lupin: Hagrid!  
  
Hagrid: Huh?  
  
Lupin: Lower your axe.  
  
Hagrid: Oh.  
  
Harry: Remus, nad nâ ennas! (Something is out there.)  
  
Lupin: Man cenich? (What do you see?)  
  
Close-up of Harry's eyes  
  
Harry: The White Wizard approaches.  
  
Lupin: Do not let him speak. He will put a spell on us.  
  
Lupin wraps his hand around the hilt of his sword, Hagrid tightens his hold on his axe, and Harry notches an arrow to his bow.  
  
Lupin: We must be quick.  
  
With a yell, the three swing round to attack. Hagrid's axe and Harry's arrow are deflected. Lupin drops his sword as it becomes red hot in his grasp. They shield their eyes with their hands from the bright light emanating from the White Wizard.  
  
White Wizard: You are tracking the footsteps of two young students.  
  
Lupin: Where are they?  
  
White Wizard: They passed this way the day before yesterday. They met someone they did not expect. Does that comfort you?  
  
Lupin: Who are you? Show yourself!  
  
The bright light dims, revealing Sirius, all dressed in white. The three are astounded. Hagrid and Harry bow.  
  
Lupin: It cannot be. You fell.  
  
Sirius: Through fire and water. From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak, I fought it, the black veil.  
  
Stars wheeled overhead and everyday was as long as a life-age of the earth. But it was not the end. I felt life in me again.  
  
Camera zooms out from Sirius' eye, lying naked and very still. His hair has turned white and wounds are completely healed. He suddenly shudders with a deep gasp and pants as life returns to him  
  
Sirius: I've been sent back until my task is done.  
  
Lupin: Sirius!  
  
Sirius: Sirius? Yes... That's what they used to call me. Sirius Black. That was my name.   
  
Hagrid: Sirius!  
  
Sirius: I am Sirius White. And I come back to you now at the turn of the tide.  
  
Lupin: For God's sake Sirius, drop the stupid KKK cloak and get back to the office, you're ruining the atmosphere, and also any sort of storyline this fan fiction once had.  
  
Sirius: Sorry Sir. You stupid post-modernist bastard.  
  
Lupin: What was that?  
  
Sirius: Nothing Sir.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED!!! 


	10. Even more pointless Back to the future h...

(Note this chapter was edited by www.fanfiction.net/~polkat on 5/1/2004. Go and read/review some of her stories. They are excellent, and far better then mine.)  
  
Chapter 10  
  
Harry's room. He's asleep. Suddenly the phone rings, waking him up. Harry looks around; he was not aware he had a phone. Nevertheless it is still ringing. He answers it.  
  
Harry: Hello?  
  
Lupin: (v.o) Harry, you didn't fall asleep, did you?  
  
Harry looks at his watch.  
  
Harry: Uh Professor. Lupin, uh no. No, don't be silly.  
  
Lupin: (v.o) Listen, this is very important, I forgot my video camera, could you stop by my place and pick it up from my old office on your way to Hogsmeade?  
  
Harry: Um, yeah, I'm on my way.  
  
Cut to outside Hogsmeade village. Harry skateboards [well, why not?] down into the town car park. Inside the parking lot is a big white van marked with the words "Prof. R Lupin Enterprises". An owl, HEDWIG, is sitting by it. Harry goes towards her.  
  
Harry: Hedwig! There you are, haven't seen you for months; I knew something like this would happen when Lupin asked if he could "borrow you for a day." Hey Hedwig, where's Lupin, girl, huh?  
  
The doors of the van open, and smoke comes out. It's followed by a DeLorean sports car, reversing back out of the van and into the parking lot. The license plate reads "OUTATIME. PROF REMUS J LUPIN" Lupin then gets out of the car. He's a young man, aged 37, and has short, greying hair. He's wearing a radiation suit and looks very much your typical wild scientist.  
  
Harry: Professor Lupin?  
  
Lupin: Harry, you made it!  
  
Harry: Yeah! Look professor about my owl-  
  
Lupin: Welcome to my latest experiment. It's the one I've been waiting for all my life.  
  
Harry: Um, well it's a DeLorean, right? I didn't know you knew how to drive-  
  
Lupin: Bare with me, Harry, all of your questions will be answered. Roll tape....  
  
Harry: OK.  
  
Lupin: ......and we'll proceed.  
  
Harry: Professor, is that a de......  
  
Lupin: Never mind that now, never mind that now.  
  
Harry: All right, I'm ready.  
  
Harry starts filming Lupin.  
  
Lupin: Good evening, I'm Professor Remus J. Lupin. I'm standing on the parking lot of Hogsmeade Wizarding Village. Its Saturday morning, October 26th 1998, 1.18am and this is temporal experiment number one. C'mon, Hedwig.  
  
During the following Hedwig flys into the DeLorean. She has a clock attached around her neck.  
  
Lupin: Hey, hey girl, get in there, in you go, sit down, put your seatbelt on, that's it!  
  
Harry: Whoa, whoa, whoa, OK. That's my bird Professor, be careful huh?  
  
Lupin: Please note that Hedwig's clock is in complete synchronisation with my control watch. Got it?  
  
Both clocks - the one in Lupin's hands and the one around Hedwig's neck - say 1.19.  
  
Harry: Right, check, Professor.  
  
Lupin: Good. Have a good trip Hedgehog, watch your head.  
  
Harry: Her name is Hedwig.  
  
Lupin: Oh, of course, Sorry Hedwig.  
  
Lupin shuts the car door and gets out a remote control for the car. Amongst other things it has a digital speedometer on it.  
  
Harry: You have this thing hooked up to the car?  
  
Lupin: Watch this.  
  
Harry: Yeah, OK, got it.  
  
He starts filming. The car starts driving itself - it is being controlled from the remote!  
  
Harry: Jesus! I mean.er. by Merlin!  
  
Harry turns to Lupin, inadvertently filming him.  
  
Lupin: Not me, the car, the car!  
  
Harry films the car.  
  
Lupin: If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour, you're gonna see some serious shit! Watch this, watch this.  
  
Lupin lets go of the lever. The car heads towards him and Harry. Then as it hits 88 miles per hour, it lets off a blue glow and disappears, leaving behind two fire trails which almost hit the feet of Lupin and Harry. The licence plate falls off the car and spins around on the ground. Harry stares on in shock, as Lupin excitedly leaps about.  
  
Lupin: Ha, what did I tell you, 88 miles per hour! The temporal displacement occurred at exactly 1.20am and zero seconds!  
  
Harry picks up the OUTATIME plate.  
  
Harry: Hot, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ, Professor, you disintegrated Hedwig! That was my owl! I liked my owl!  
  
Lupin: Calm down, Harry, I didn't disintegrate anything. The molecular structure of Hedwig and the car are completely intact.  
  
Harry: Where the hell are they?  
  
Lupin: The appropriate question is, when the hell are they! Hedwig has just become the world's first time traveller! I sent her into the future. 1 minute into the future to be exact. And at exactly 1.21am we should catch up with her and the time machine.  
  
Harry: Wait a minute, wait a minute, are you telling me that you built a time machine...... out of a DeLorean? Couldn't you have just used a Time- Turner?  
  
Lupin: No! The way I see it, if you're going to build a time machine why not do it with some style. Besides, time turners don't work the way we need them too, in this particular fanbase we can change time not just complete things besides the stainless steal thingy-  
  
Lupin checks his watch.  
  
Lupin: Look out!  
  
The DeLorean reappears, steaming. Lupin walks over and touches it.  
  
Harry: What, what is it hot?  
  
Lupin: It's cold, damn cold. (Opens the door) Ha, ha, ha, Hedwig, you little devil. Hedwig's clock is exactly one minute behind mine, it's still ticking.  
  
Lupin's clock says 1.22, Hedwig's clock says 1.21. Lupin unbuckles Hedwig's seatbelt and the bird flys happily into the van.  
  
Harry: She's alright!  
  
Lupin: She's fine, and she's completely unaware that anything happened. As far as she's concerned the trip was instantaneous. That's why Hedwig's watch is exactly one minute behind mine. She skipped over that minute to instantly arrive at this moment in time. Come here, I'll show you how it works. First, you turn the time circuits on.  
  
Lupin does so. Inside are three panels, each with a different LED display.  
  
Lupin: This readout tells you where you're going, this one tells you where you are, this one tells you where you were. You input the destination time on this keypad. Say, you want to see the signing of the Declaration of Independence.....  
  
Lupin types in July 4th 1776.  
  
Lupin: .....or witness the birth or Christ.  
  
Lupin types in December 25th 0000.  
  
Lupin: Or if you just wanted to go to some massively plot manipulated but completely randomly selected date how about June 15th (surprised) 1996.  
  
Lupin types in June 15th 1996 and then realises.  
  
Lupin: Yes, of course, June 15th 1996!  
  
Harry: What?  
  
Lupin: That was the day Sirius Black died. I remember it vividly. I had just finished a duel, Death eaters were being rounded up.....Sirius was still fighting, and then BANG, he was gone. In a flash of light we were to never see your Godfather again in this timeline.  
  
Harry: I remember...but, how.....how the hell did you make this 'thing'?  
  
Lupin shows Harry a flashing panel at the rear end of the DeLorean's interior.  
  
Lupin: This is what makes time travel possible. The flux capacitor.  
  
Harry: The flux capacitor.  
  
Lupin: It's taken me almost 2 years and my entire family fortune [AN: two galleons and a dozen beans which Lupin used to bribe the employees at B&Q] to realise the vision I had the day after Sirius' death. My God, has it been that long? Things have certainly changed around here. I remember when this was all farmland as far as the eye could see. Lucius Malfoy, owned all of this; how he'd hate to see all this now.  
  
Harry: This is uh, this is heavy duty, Professor, this is great. Uh, does it run on regular unleaded petrol?  
  
Lupin: Unfortunately no, it requires something with a little more kick - plutonium!  
  
Harry: Uh, plutonium, wait a minute, are you telling me that this sucker's nuclear?  
  
Lupin notices Harry has let the camera drop.  
  
Lupin: Hey, hey, keep rolling, keep rolling there. No, no, no, no, this sucker's electrical. But I need a nuclear reaction to generate the 1.21 gigawatts of electricity that I need.  
  
Harry: Professor, you don't just walk into a store and ask for plutonium! Did you rip this off?  
  
Lupin comes to Harry waving off the idea, and then:  
  
Lupin: Of course, from a group of Libyan Nationalists. They wanted me to build them a bomb, so I took their plutonium and in turn gave them a shiny bomb case full of used pinball machine parts!  
  
Harry: Jesus.  
  
Lupin: Let's get you into a radiation suit, we must prepare to reload.  
  
A few minutes later, Lupin has put more plutonium into the DeLorean and Harry is in a radiation suit.  
  
Lupin: Safe now, everything's lead lined. Don't you lose those tapes now; we'll need a record. Yep, yep. I almost forgot my luggage. Enough of Snape's potions to keep my transformations from causing any harm for a whole 3 months, as well a 2 pairs of socks and an invisibility cloak.  
  
He puts a suitcase in the DeLorean.  
  
Harry: The past, that's where you're going?  
  
Lupin: That's right, 2 years into the past. I am going to show up at the department of mysteries, and save Sirius shortly before he falls through the black veil. All anyone will see is the veil being blown back as Sirius falls, and I drag him under the invisibility cloak. I will then bring him back to this timeline, find a cure for Lestrange's spell, and live happily ever after.  
  
Harry: Uh, Professor.  
  
Lupin: Huh?  
  
Harry: Uh, look me up when you get there.  
  
Lupin: Indeed I will. One last thing before I leave Harry.  
  
Harry: Yes professor.  
  
Lupin: You have to stop looking at pornography in the Mirror of Erised. I took a scouting trip into the future last week [even though I said earlier that Hedwig was the first time traveller which even then was ridiculous as Harry, you've been into the past before- David this makes no sense!], and I foresee that it will cause your mind great long-term damage.  
  
Harry: Yes professor.  
  
Lupin: Okay, roll em.  
  
Harry starts filming.  
  
Lupin: I, Professor Remus Lupin, am about to embark on an historic journey.  
  
He stops and laughs stupidly to himself - a "how could I have forgotten?" laugh.  
  
Lupin: What am I thinking of, I almost forgot to bring some extra plutonium. How did I ever expect to get back, one pellet, one trip! I must be out of my mind! Harry, remind me when I get back to engage in some After- dark arts with Tonks, okay.  
  
Harry: Er, yes Professor.  
  
Lupin: Because I am NOT gay.  
  
Harry: Yes Professor. We all know that.  
  
Hedwig starts squawking.  
  
Lupin: What is it Hedgehog?  
  
Harry: Don't you mean HEDWIG?  
  
Lupin: Sorry, Hedwig even.  
  
He looks to the entrance to the carpark. A blue and white van pulls in.  
  
Lupin: Oh my God, they found me, I don't know how but they found me. Run for it, Harry!  
  
Harry: Who, who?  
  
Lupin: Who do you think, the Libyans!  
  
Harry: Holy shit! Just like in the movie 'Back to the Future.' Professor this is getting spooky-  
  
The two hide behind the van.  
  
Lupin: I'll draw their fire!  
  
He fires his pistol at them. It runs out of bullets.  
  
Harry: Professor, wait!  
  
Lupin throws his gun down. The Libyans shoot him with an assault rifle and he falls down on his back, dead.  
  
Harry: No! Bastards!  
  
The Libyans spot Harry and aim for him. Harry turns away, thinking it's the end. However the Libyan's gun is jammed, giving Harry enough time to get into the DeLorean - with the camera - and close the door. He drives off.  
  
Libyan: Go! Go!  
  
The Libyans start to chase Harry. The two vehicles travel around the cark park, getting faster and faster.  
  
Harry: C'mon, more, dammit.  
  
Without realising it, Harry turns on the time circuits.  
  
Harry: Jeez. Holy shit.  
  
He speeds up even more.  
  
Harry: Let's see if you can do 90!  
  
Harry gets up towards 90mph. Just before we hit 88 the camera pans over to the date on the destination panel - it's still June 15th 1996. The DeLorean then breaks through the time barrier 


End file.
